Get your hand out of your ass!
how did you know my hand was in my ass? Guess where my other hand is..?
In your belly button
I know I know. I considered playing it sober but after I typed out IS SHE A GENIE? I knew it was impossible to hide.
260 beers this month. I need a new hobby.
Drag queen told me that I have the cheek bones to do drag. That's supposed to boost my moral.
Getting sick, pulled the filter off a camel crush and rolled it into my joint to clear my sinuses. If there were stoner awards, I'd receive one.
I was thinking about getting her an edible arrangement for an engagement gift. You want in?
I'm buying her a drink and not telling her to dump his ass. that's my gift.
We should discuss this later when sobriety has returned. Right now he's just like a distant cousin.
It's just unfortunate. She's a 28 year old woman who looks as if a pelican and ET had a baby. With braces.
I just paid for weed by taking him to the store to buy cheese so he could make empanadas. Best. Drug deal. Ever.
why does drunk me think that doing things like throwing up on my desk and all over my 15 page lab report is okay
I've orgasmed so many times tonight I think I've become enlightened
Did we actually play with swords last night or did I dream that?
there is partying, then there is whatever we did last night.
The awkward moment when you're leaving the most attractive guy you've ever been with and you're trying not to shit on yourself. Fucking welcome to my life
Totes just ripped ass and the bartender's eyes got wet
Randomize
