How was your Memorial Day?
Don't remember... but I do have an American flag painted on my boob signed by a Staff Sargent... Oh God, I hope that's his military rank and not a nick name.
You don't give head? I'm offended and I don't even have a cock...
I would like to remind you that Mike's hard lemonade only goes good with an extra light cigarette and seminal fluid.
So, i took all the condoms from his nightstand, not in the crazy ex way, but in the I paid for them way.
I just realized that my phone was set to Brazilian time...what the fuck happened last night
Hes screaming about Slender man. whatever hes on is probably not healthy.
what are we doing this weekend?
I have enough booze to get us through Armageddon...which basically means that on Sunday we will have to make a trip to the liquor store.
Sadly him cutting me out of the duct tape dress was NOT the most awkward part of the night. It was a littleeee moist under there.....
Tell me how you feel about belly buttons
He told me he loved me and then peed his own bed. So at least it was a memorable one night stand.
Hey, you can never be fully sure you're straight until you jerk off to gay porn
These last few days with George, grandma, and now Carrie all dying have been pushing me further and further into rum's sweet embrace.
This is like the fourth time this month I've woken up hungover in someone's backyard
I gave her a cheerful high five and she turned to me and said, "we should do that with our genitals." I may have to marry this girl.
OMG OMG OMG I just throwed up in his pillow case when he wentto start the sho wer, time to grab my bra and bounce!!!
Wow.
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