I had a dream last night that we were eating cake at Mercy...hahaha. I'm furious I didn't see you.
her idea of "friends with benefits" is her doing my laundry. i'm cool with it.
So you used a whole package of smoked meat last night. Didn't eat it, just took it out and put it all over the fridge.
If the EMT's ask later... I had 5 hour energy for breakfast and Four Loko for dinner... It might be important for them to know that
At the hospital. Forgot we locked Eric out of the house last night as a joke. Hypothermia's a bitch.
Why is my drynk life bleeding into my real life
A very confused plastic surgeon just called. Apparently I called asking how much it costs to get a vodka funnel installed straight to my brain...
He's short and fat and honestly I think he's what my self esteem was made for
he said didn't have much sexual experience and then proceeded to tell me he is going to make me cum harder than my vibrator could
well, that escalated quicky
xanax give me strength to not ask where we stand with booty calls
when my phone is in portrait view you can just assume i've been watching porn. that's the only thing i want to see in full view.
One minute we were playing beer pong, and the next minute I was sprinting to my apartment with a watermelon. wtf happened in between?
How do u ask ur friend if shes keeping her kid but in a chill way
I'm pretty sure I hallucinated the existence of an entire human being last night.
I'm on my third roll of toilet paper. Today can fuck right off.
Randomize
