My mom just got knocked over by a rollerblader. I'm trying not to laugh, bc my family looks pretty concerned
batman tramp stamp. Dibs.
Like if I don't roll around in my puke, the night will be a failure.
If you come, call before you come in. I'm tanning my balls. Enjoy that visual.
You know your in for a great weekend when you buy the booze already in crutches
I don't mean to complain but you could have done a better job of keeping me alive last night
Just got a message on OkCupid from a 20-year-old who has "Momma's Boy" tattoed across his chest and thinks the earth is bigger than the sun.
Dad had me doing shots of chocolate mint Everclear last night. I've never felt closer to him.
Ordained minister or not I hereby renounce all moral responsibility for any and all related occurrences
I'm hungover laying in my moms bed watching Space Jam.. Adult Life..
Dude, fate has brought her to your penis.
She came into the salon and said, "Don't judge me. Yes that's cum in my hair and I want a shampoo, cut and style."
And two different second-graders said my make up was pretty. It's left over from last night bc I woke up 5 min before I was supposed to leave.
I just got wasted for $3.50. My life can't get any better.
The air I exhale reeks of whiskey and bad decisions
Randomize
