Her cooch smelled like a combination of bacon and sweat.
I think my mom's writing a book called how to fuck with your kids when you know they're high
Just found a quarter that has been stuck to my boob since at least last night.
it's been a while because I don't count the hooker
I came home to my brother stoned out of his mind. He got a high score on COD and asked me to have a celebration yogurt with him.
My neighbor caught me peeing on his rose bushes at 2 in the morning while wearing my Santa hat. My sex appeal has never been higher.
I think the fact that I shit my pants, threw away my underwear in a frat bathroom, lost my socks down a drain in the front yard and still got laid... deserves some sort of a victory drink for myself or a blowjob for him since he was such a good sport.
Yo plow her in the living room were all outside tommy wants to see
wait no I wore my bra home that morning. I stole someone's bra last night?
I make one hell of a fire on Ambien. Other life choices not so much. But fire. Fire I can do.
so hungover. I'm actually considering eating the snow off the roof so I don't have to leave my bed
I may have just poured a honey apple beer onto a dried apple slice to rehydrate it. This is my day.
I have shit my pants twice this week. #adulthood
My dad is sitting where you rode me
Just saw a girl I banged wearing a pro life shirt downtown. Not sure where to start with that.
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