Just saw cops pull over the ice cream truck. What a dick
I bet a guy could be masturbating under the table now and people would just think he was clapping along.
the best days in LIFE are when you realize you arent pregnant
Talking to this girl is like playing minesweeper on hard. There's red flags everywhere.
His facebook interests include 'unstrapping velcro'.
Tempting. But I already used the alcohol poisoning excuse at work this month. No way he would believe it a second time...
I would watch the shit out of some full house right now.
I'm okay. We got a prayer rug sent to us with the face of jesus on it. From Tulsa Oklahoma. Kinda weird.
After your flask fell out of your leg brace and you told your RA that it was juice, you tried to unlock your dorm room but your key was attached to your bra so he ended up seeing your boobs
Just walk up to him nice, spread your legs like smooth peanut butter on toast and scream "LOOK AT MY BEAVER! LOOK AT IT!!"
Listen I just pulled white girl hair out of my underwear. This has got to stop. I was wearing pants all night.
The number of threesomes I have agreed to seems to increase every time I talk to you drunk...
I found a used condom in my purse this morning. It was in there with a bunch of smushed french fries.
I just had all of the sex. All of it.
Really should've known 2020 was gonna suck when the guy dressed as baby new year got arrested at our party 5 past midnight...
Randomize
