she was dressed as a doctor claiming that after she was done i would have a "permaboner"
you stole their roomba and ran out the door so that you could 'set it free'.
we found you passed out on lawn and the roomba bouncing back and forth on the sidewalk.
OMG stoned with flashing lights behind me, I was freaking out until I realized I wasn't driving my couch
I just woke up to find the whole kitchen sick had been converted into a gravity bong.
explaining to a nurse how i all most cut my finger off playing beer pong, she def just hand me a AA booklet.
after i talked him through a bulleted list of why we couldn't have sex he just said "but it would be fun...."
Laying on my kitchen floor and the lights just got brighter... I just died or there was a power surge. Based on the amount of booze I drink both are possible.
Come down here. We are watching people walk through the paper we taped in front of the elevator.
I just tried to eat one of my ear plugs, thinking it was a cheese curl. I need it to be break RIGHT NOW.
I'm the only one who goes to a bar and leaves with an extra twenty bucks and a pumpkin.
Because she seems like the type to give it up for a box of fruit rollups.
Like my new perfume? It's a combination of Fireball, sex and bad decisions.
The best part about daylight savings time this weekend is we get an extra hour to be fucked up.
It's a herpes check up not a beauty pageant
Come on baby if you haven't had a Charleston chew eatin out of your ass you just ain't livin right.
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