I'm going to go hang out on a giant wooden pirate ship for 5 days.
You broke her grandpas urn and ran your hand through his ashes claiming it was pixie dust. I think thats why shes mad at you..
How the hell am I supposed to know what lotion to get her? They should have a dressing booth where I could go test how good it is for jerking off, then I'd know.
When he came he kept saying "oh god oh god" and he sounded just like his dad. awkward...
hey im home...im not sure how this mcdonalds got here but whatever im gonna eat it anyway.
Oh my Christ. I just came so hard my penis stood back up and took a bow afterwards. I need Thai food.
how many lesbians have to have their hearts broken before they realise I am not that kind of DJ
Vague recollection of me ripping your shirt off at the bar... I hope I asked first, otherwise that's real rude.
Reasons why I love cats more than people: 1. They're not fucking people.
There was a slutty maid costume on the floor when I woke up, but the house was trashed. Either she's been fired or got promoted, I'm not sure which.
You don't usually get feedback after a one night stand... But you hit it out of the park. I'm proud to call you a friend.
I just showed this kid my nipples to work my shift tmw
Im going to seductively wisper "that butters my biscuit" in your ear
Sorry I can't pick up... thought process is fine but too stoned to form words.
thanks for the bj man. also make sure you close the gate behind you. the chickens are out.
Randomize
