just to let you know, don't open your linen closet for a while until i come over with a cleaning kit and geek squad
The worst thing about having a parent with a prius is that they can walk in on you without any warning
It was like the Ritz Carlton of jails. I got introduced to our criminal system the right way.
I wanna get FUCKED up and fail the piss test at my eval so they send me to detox and give me suboxone... Is that bad?
Took his v-card last night. Yet another experience I didn't expect to have in my thirties.
Just made hot dog dorito pasta. It happened.
No she hasen't showed up to my place yet, last I heard she was puking as she was walking without stopping near the park.
He has a British accent. He could read me the phone book and I would come so hard he would need a wizened old man in a rowboat to save him.
You told him about your cats? I told his friend to put his dick in my mouth, and you talked about cats!?
should we try and roll a cross joint since its good friday? you know, for jesus
I'll have sex with you for tacos. I don't care, man.
the bouncer just handed me a Starbucks bag of pound cake
mate iv just woke up in the garden. either help me inside or bring out my vodka
But the real reason your aunt is drunk crying is because she has already had four margs and went for a 5th and someone is trying to stop her
I'm at home, drunk, and I just called the guy I lost my virginity to and invited him to my wedding.. I've got to stop drinking by myself.
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