what are you wearing?
Just my guilt
how can you tell if its a queef or a fart from that close?
I thought it couldn't get worse until she said "Nipple hair"
4 maple syrup blunts. Decided to sit on my roof and count the snowflakes that landed on my tongue. 84.
dont worry, it'll just be a conversation starter like "why did you get that pierced?" or "wow, i got arrested there too"
we drunkly made out in the middle of the street beside the homeless guy playing the flute. Not how I imagined our first kiss.
I told him I was engaged, had 911 on speed dial and made him wear his seatbelt, then dropped his drunk ass off at his motel...probably not the night he was expecting.
Seriously? What part of meeting at Oktoberfest while I'm wearing a dirndl, double fisting, and making out with random guys screams "i'm girlfriend material"?!
TONGUES ARE JUST MEAT TENTACLES IN OUR MOUTHS OMG
HOW ABOUT I DON'T WAKE UP TO THESE TYPES OF TEXTS
Is it a coincidence that the reminder on my phone to take my birth control is "I'm ready to party" from Bridesmaids?
You don't know how skeptical I was about letting a guy with braces go down on me
I think he may actually care that I call him slampiece instead of his real name. Who knew he had feelings?
That was the most spiritually awakened shit I have ever taken.
what do u think we would be doing right now if we were together
Urinating on unicorns
I'm just going to use my debit card. I feel bad buying pizza with the money I stole from my roommate...so I'm going to put it in my piggy bank.
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