Can you please tell me why there's a bottle of urine on my night stand with a note that says "in case you're thirsty in the morning"? Thanks.
I have before 2 am pics and after 2am pics, which do you want to see first?
Well, ive pounded a baby into a stripper and a girl who was on jerry springer, a 16 year old is logically next.
There is nothing wrong with wanting a slide attached to your staircase
There are paw prints all over my ceiling.
At this point I just want to meet a man with a job.
And dildos are 35% off. So. Ya know. Savings.
I feel like one thing if I have going for me is that my bed looks like a nice place to have sex
I woke up this morning and I had the absolutely horrific realisation that I am the human incarnation of scrappy doo
Went to take a shower. Brought my wine, forgot my towel.
There should be a guide book that probation officers hand out on "how to tell a tinder girl about your ankle monitor before she notices it at the worst possible moment"
Between his smile and monumental dick even the virgin mary woulda blown that man and I am far from the virgin. I didn't stand a chance.
And you tried to get me to have sex with you in our Harry potter closet lol
You were yelling at them from the passenger seat saying you wanted your chicken for free because they couldn't prove it was from kentucky
My house exploded and with it all my pot went up in smoke.
Randomize
