I swear that when I have my own bathroom, I'm gonna lock myself in there and masterbate for at least 3 days in sheer appreciation of it.
Jeff just maced a waitress...it's way too early for this.
My professors need to stop cancelling class. Bad things happen when I have too much free time on my hands. Bad things.
did i call you last night crying about tacos and the royal wedding again?
I just want to do a slip-and-slide into a giant pool of jello shots right now.
The intern claims someone glued plastic eyeballs to his penis last night. He going to show everyone in the conference room at 3pm. There is a $5 cover charge.
We were dancing and she was clawing my stomach like a fat kid getting to a half broken pinata.
Friends don't let friends go vibrator shopping alone.
It is not a successful senior year unless you show up to campus without pants at least once, right?
I feel as though I look like a mom with a substance abuse problem
I didn't even respond. Just letting the crazy settle before I calmly fuck his shit up.
Also, why does our bed smell like mayonnaise?
Well, I just puked in the shower in case anyone wants an update on how my day is going
All I remember was you telling him there was something behind him so he would turn around and you could slide down his carpeted stairs on your belly without a shirt on. How's that carpet burn btw?
my night went from a boring school play to hotboxing a car with 3 criminals
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