This guy just came in and told me how he bought a clock for his cat so his cat can know when he's coming home...
I don't think anyone has ever said "boy I'm glad I took those shots of everclear" when they wake up
it was either that or behind a dumpster, and i am way too pretty to pee behind a dumpster
I think I slept in the cheesecake last night. Either that or I had a wet dream. Whatever happened I need to wash my pants.
I just remember her dragging me inside in a panic saying we needed mentos and popcorn I have no fucking clue how we ended up asleep in her closet.
My aunt comes over, haven't seen her in 4 years. First thing, looks me up and down and goes "...yup, that pair ripened nicely. Theyll get you some free drinks"
I think you were raised by the wrong sister
Sometimes I just want to serenade his penis with cheesy 80s songs.
You didn't try to help me when I fell on the dance floor. She brought me cupcakes. You're a shitty friend, suck your own dick.
Haha sweet. I'm being the Mad Hatter. I'll be drinking out of a tea cup all night. Or at least until I inevitably lose it, break it, or use it as a weapon.
If my mom's not going to offer me drugs then it's really pointless for me to be here.
I literally have nothing else left to cut besides my drug budget; the dark days are among us
Blame the bisexuality and move on?
I should not be able to sum up my life with a taco brand motto...
If its not for food we ain't going out.
we thought it would be safer to lock you in the car alone downtown than take you back home to pass out
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