today's thought: if you're naming your fb album "wEdDiNg dAy!!!!!!" you're too young to get married
He drunk dialed T-Mobile at 3am and talked to them for 45 minutes and got his phone bill lowered from $80 to $60... Best drunk dial ever.
dude, there's a fucking musical in my head. it's fucking awesome being this high.
I awoke in a cab to find myself on a ride to niagara falls. Apparently I paid the cab driver half up front.
Single handedly the worst sex I've ever had just went down. Its like we both laid there after word-less thinking about the other " could they be any worse in bed" ?
I don't know if it's lucky or if it really just makes my tits look THAT good, but I've never NOT gotten laid with this bra on
Today the house voted to defund Planned Parenthood but to continue funding NASCAR. I fucking hate everything.
Bathrooms are cool, I think Im just gonna hang out here for a bit.
You called in. Quitter. You stayed at home naked drinking again didnt you.
the thing I didn't realize I would miss about college is that at home you can't just dismiss your sex bruises as drunk accidents
how does 'resolution to respect myself more' follow 'he fucks me really hard'?
Just ate an entire BBQ chicken pizza this better go to my tits
too bad we didn't bet. my 38-1 tears would have made great lubrication for a blow job.
I even put my vibrators back in the bedroom instead of the coffee table. If that's not growing up then I don't know what is.
let’s face it, me joining a co-ed soccer league is like, 33% motivated by my crotch seeking a healthy outlet
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