I woke up, mistook him for my ex, and started screaming. It was all that chest hair. I don't think this relationship is going anywhere.
I just counted my steps so I know when you start looking for you on my way back from the bathroom
You know how us drunks love counting steps
I wish guys would just cum water 'cause you don't have to worry about being pregnant and it'd be like a squirt gun fight
Sorry for calling you a whore in front of your mom. World cup brings the worst out of me.
So apparently when he was telling people he was in Alaska for 6 months he was actually in jail
My goal is to upperdeck the house I'm at, because it's some girl I don't know's birthday. Welcome to adulthood, bitch.
Why is there a keg in our kitchen? I'm not complaining but why is there a keg in our kitchen?
I picked up a chick last night on crutches wearing a I am boobman tshirt. I love raves.
Nothing like the soothing screaming of your neighbor getting boned while eating a pizza on the front porch.
I just took the batteries out of the xbox remote so she could replace the dead ones in her vibrator If that's not love I don't know what is
Normally, it will inspire me to work. Today, it's inspiring me to masturbate.
I don't know what's worse. The fact that my biological mother is an unwitting bigamist, or the fact that my half sister is trying to seduce my girlfriend.
so then the cop took one last hit off our blunt and then drove off in his car and we just all stood there thinking, yea... that just happened...
Then you guys just all showered together...?
How far are you from my house? Do I have time to masturbate before you get here?
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