walk of shame with early morning football tailgaters. niice.
I just talked to a CEO of a fortune 500 company while pooping. I LOVE being self employed.
he actually proposed, and i threw up on him...i guess 5 glasses of wine was a bad idea.
the boobs are fake... i feel like i just found out santa isn't real.
I would give up sex for lent, but I think Jesus would understand that I went too long without it to go back now.
he started fingering my stomach rolls instead of my vag... am i really that fat?
All I learned from that experience was that drinking scotch out of a crunk goblet was bad news.
You looked up at me and said "I'm getting a mattress made out of this SHIT. Goodbye certa hellllllllo concrete!" then you started counting sheep
DR UNK TOWN USA
TEAM USA GO AMERICA
When theres a zombie apocalypse, i will be the only fat survivor. I ate chef boyardi ravioli with part of a pen for a fork
OMFG "ASS" JUST STARTED PLAYING ON MY PHONE VIA PANDORA AS IM IN THE CAR WITH A CONGRESSMAN FUCKKKK
I'm spending tomorrow doing taxes and making jello shots. Is this adulthood?
But you put your finger in my ass and the rest is history
There is a huge fucking spider in my bathroom....I can just burn our apartment down right? What do you need me to grab?
At least they took the pillow of my bed before they had sex. My friends are so polite.
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