it turns out vodka filled condoms arent that funny
I woke up to find her cooking breakfast wearing nothing but my Nuggets jersey. I don't think this could end better.
OMG A WOMANS PROSTETIC ARM JUST FELL OFF AT BAGGAGE CLAIM
Wasn't a date. In exchange for artichoke dip I received a bj. And sex. It was a transaction.
God I love incriminating evidence...wonder what the statue of limitations is on shitting on someones driveway
I'm the fucking queen of sexting. I just made a blowjob sound so poetic I'm wishing I were a guy just so I could blow me. Learn from me.
If we can only get laid once in a blue moon, apparently this will be our month.
Listening to Ke$ha's new single to pump myself up for my STD test.
My code for I need help will be if I'm holding a bud light lime..
How do you explain to a guy that he's like a little puppy dog that you play with, but then leave at the shelter to go home to your German Shepard?
are you just inviting me because you can't afford an actual stripper?
As he was going down on me, I looked over his shoulder and said "ohh a Christian mingle commercial is on"
ok I know you arent happy with the way we ended but paying someone to pass me an STD is TOTALLY FUCKED!!!
Before we have sex for the first time I would like "eye of the tiger" to be playing to mentally prepare me for what I'm about to endure.
I also woke up in a bed soaked of pee and drunkenly lectured him on the dangers of chewing tobacco... weird night
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