Who goes to Church hungover
Those who weren't lucky enough to go still drunk
What about the words "You're my personal dildo" made him say "I love you"?
Do you think he likes his girlfriend's moustache?
I was so high I thought there were pigeons in my room. Long story short there are now donut crumbs all around my bedroom.
We didn't need to cut her off. I'm pretty sure the lit candle she almost drank would have done it for us
Just caught my dad doing coke in my bathroom again. Guess whose getting a new car for christmasss.
And if I hated you I'd probably say things like, "I never want to speak to you again," or, "Eat a bag of dicks." That's how you'd know.
Hey..um, you dont know me, but I just found your purse in a bush at the end of my street this morning
We smoked a bowl in front of the abortion clinic shouting Obama at the protestors.
LinkedIn just suggested I might know the guy I caught my wife fucking.
As a heterosexual male nursing student, the odds are ever in my favor. My first semester has basically been The Horny Games. I've killed almost all of the competitors at this point.
Glass of stolen champagne in a to go cup = tastiest hangover cure ever
.......he just venmo charged me for the burrito I was eating while he broke up with me
I mean seriously...It's like the universe is saying "your vagina is closed, move along"
That's just how I roll. I drink, then tell people I'm either not wearing underwear or I'm training to be a stripper.
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