Just put a picture of dead dolphins on her wall...told her the oil spill was her fault.
My professors need to stop cancelling class. Bad things happen when I have too much free time on my hands. Bad things.
have the fact that the early bird is danced upon by the prettiest strippers be your motivation
second attempt at shower sex: failed after the water turned orange bc of a fire up the street. this is just not meant to be
You insisted on calling your mixture of Bacardi & powdered milk "a Jamacian Facial."
He told me he loved me and then asked if we could have sex in the snow
Would you wanna look up as you cum and for a split-second see your dad?
Send help, water and tortillas.
Note to self. The tub labelled "not water" does not contain water.
Did he think I was flirting with him when I ordered a hot dog bc no
He was singing R-E-S-P-E-C-T to a stripper between motorboats while our HR manager cheered him on.
And two different second-graders said my make up was pretty. It's left over from last night bc I woke up 5 min before I was supposed to leave.
The guy in the room next to me just offered to hide the next dose of morphine he will get for his broken leg under his tongue and then swap it with me in exchange for a roll of the good toilet paper my parent brought for me last they visited. The psych ward is a lot more hardcore than I thought.
I really want to stop getting this drunk. I've got the Sunday scaries and it's only Saturday
I can’t believe the first text I’m sending you from this phone was about how I just got fingered in a smart car on tin can hill
Randomize
