Dude, I woke up in the kitchen, naked, with a blueberry bagel as a pillow.
Can I eat your pillow?
woke up at my desk with a paper in front of me that says "people stranded on islands love having wet dreams" what the fuck happened last night
At least a dozen asian tourists will be showing their friends pictures of me peeing off of Hoover Dam with a cop pointing his gun at me when they get home. I worry about the impact on their children.
No. untill you have done a puke that contains nothing but semen and tequila, you do not 'feel my pain'
She tased me when I walked in the door. Thought I was trying to steel her weed.
Heads up. We filled your kiddie pool with kool-aid and vodka. Things are about to get Out. Of. Hand. Quickly.
The UPD just told me that he was going to call the cops if i try to run. you owe me 5 dollars, i told u they arn't real cops
I find out next week of the Australian was lying about his vasectomy or not. Keep your fingers crossed!
So the night ended when we tried making fireworks out of gunpowder and oregano. You can figure out how that went.
They fucked on my pong table last St. Patty's and broke it. I feel like I should be hiding my new one. Would hate for a tradition to form.
This is how my night is going so far. The bartender bought our last two rounds and I'm chasing a bee around the bar with a foam bat.
Can you tell me why Star Wars Burlesque is pulled up on my phone from last night?
You know it's a pretty bad night when an injured penis is not the worst thing that happened to you. Fuck tequila
We’ve discussed sex and dinner. Like chicken nuggets while doing it doggie and watching tv.
I wanted to have a threesome but they’re TOO HETERO
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