I just found a dead bug in my nose. if that's the worst thing up there im considdering myself lucky.
chasing schnapps with beer is a terrible idea. never been drunk at 3PM before. please help please please please please
I just saw a kid drop his lollipop on the floor of best buy, kick it because he was pissed off and then pick it up and eat it. I think I have a long lost son.
Mom's drinking. Just asked her if she was good to walk back to the condo. She seemed unsure until she remembered she brought the GPS. We are 2 blocks from the condo.
dude, it should not be this hard to find a bottomless mimosa on a friday morning
Oh my god. I opened up my microwave and there was a pile of bacon in it. It's like my mother knew I'd be hungover.
I just made Jack Daniels snow cones.
Great News, you CAN smoke bowls with a magnifying glass
I don't want to talk about her cat for two hours only to dry hump till I'm blistered. Not worth it.
I know this request is pointless but you two please try to keep the drinking and drug use to a minimal, I have bail money so write my number on your arm and a "if found call", wear a life jacket and act like a responsible 28 year old please.
YOU ARE OBSESSED WITH PORCHES. I AM OBSESSED WITH PORCHES. HOW IS THIS REAL.
I remember all the people and all the acts I just have to match the person with the act
Successfully masturbated while balancing on an exercise ball. my greatest accomplishment?
Probably
Just watched an entire Mariachi band walk of shame home together. Halloween at its finest
I cried over the lack of milkshakes I've consumed in the last month
Randomize
