Ever since they found the bud they've been sending me visa gift cards instead of cash. Bastards.
My fucking roommate unpluged my alarm; I pissed on his clean clothes.
All i remember before i blacked out is you pointing to a random chick and telling me to bang her for America.
She tried to lure me back to her house by saying she had "real" pizza.
If he breaks up with me, your job is to keep me drunk and make sure I don't sleep with anyone. Ok?
I'm hoping that by this time next year we will be smoking some weed at a gay wedding, asking "Mitt who?"
i made this one couple from ohio so uncomfortable that they left....and that was WHEN I HAD PANTS ON
It's like your nipple is comforting my nipple.
There's times when I just want to bottle my farts for later they're so insane.
I'm shaking a cocktail while in bed. Is that bad?
The Game of Thrones convention was just a drunk fuckfest.
Please tell me you banged Jon Snow.
I drank beer out of a Frisbee and it was all downhill from there...
we've dated a week and made out twice. he is taking it slow. but his body is stupid sexy. just want him to stop respecting me and fuck me like a gutter slut. respect me later im not getting younger.
I got the shit slapped outta me last night but the pain in my jaw doesn’t even compare to the hangover I have.
I'm just going to tell you this I knocked up your girlfriend. I didn't mean to I thought it was somebody else I wasn't drunk but it was dark.
The truth is better her than my wife.
Randomize