The make-up sex just reminded me why we broke up in the first place.
we're going to drop off one of our cars at the police station tonight so we'll be able to drive home in the morning
I just told him that with every paper, I'd take a picture of myself with one less piece of clothing. Who say's I can't be a tutor?
Na Im fine, just need to un-grow this vagina I've developed
they had to take the Corona's out of the fish tank because they wouldn't fit with the mini replica of the roman coliseum in there. so we drank the Corona's. does beer have an expiry date?
No work today. I woke up and someone had written "Markhot Penis = Party" on my forehead in sharpie. Do you know a Mark?
I'm gonna call it the Reunion Tour. Hooked up with two different ex girlfriends in one day...
Nothing $200 worth of strippers and spicy fried chicken couldn't fix.
I just cut open the plastic package of a Plan B pill using the bottle opener I carry in my purse. #whyidrink
Do you ever get a cramp in like, ONE labia?
That awkward moment when you're drunk enough to crave cocaine, but you're sober enough to know it's only Tuesday.
Man I gotta stop stashing shit when I'm high. I just spent 2 hours searching for my bag of pot and eventually found it in fucking a bandaid box.
The fact that I’m not married yet means there are millions of lucky girls out there who have dodged a bullet
I just split a tacobell party box with my boss. 12 tacos. We were equals for a moment.
Tequila shots and throwing it at a bell.
This is dumb. I'll keep doing it.
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