smell like capt'n and strawberry champagne
I want to give you a handjob with my mouth.
I blew a .224 after sleeping for 6 hrs, cleary im a champion
soo according to the calendar on my phone, I'm 5 minutes late to have sex with that guy from work. Apparently we planned this, I even set an alarm.
checking your phone to see who you drunk dialed last night isnt as funny when you see you had a 17 minute call to your dad.
official worst smell ever. a used condom that has gone through the dryer.
So I'm looking through your google history on your laptop and you have 'is ketchup even remotely nutritious' and 'alcohol with fewest calories but highest alcohol'. What new fad diet are you on because I feel like we could do this together.
Where are you? This girl fell on a baby. She is just gone. Please Hurry
I'm hurrying
Dude. She just shit herself.
It was either the harsh truths I was divulging or the liquor..... But either way, I made mom puke
The two girls sitting next to me are asking siri "Like, uh, how do you know my name?". Do I fuck with them or fuck them?
Charles Manson is Getting Married and I stare down at my tits and wonder how I am possibly single.
One time she showed me her pierced nipples in our high school locker room and now she has a daughter
Yeah I know my dick is weird, but I've surprisingly had a lot of fun with it.
I quit doing blow for him. If that doesn’t say “I’m in love with you and want to marry you” idk what does
I wanna print it out and hang it on the fridge like parents do with good report cards.
oh the joys of a picture of a negative pregnancy test
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