My mom just bought me $200 worth of booze on the condition that I promise I won't have to go to rehab eventually
I feel like my life has just been one 21 year long episode of "i shouldn't be alive"
You weren't a difficult drunk to take care of. I just had to stop you from plunging the toilet once or twice.
I was cut off by 8, I need to rethink this breakup therapy strategy
Soo time for a life change, my 6 yr old sister made my gf a puke bucket for her birthday
Crashed the mayor's bday party, no list for some reason. Wore suits. Ludacris was there.
You tried to put a condom on my dog, then he ate it.
Why yes actually, getting stoned and reading an AARP magazine IS totally where I wanted my night to end!
Now you have tequila AND fuzzy slippers. Fuck you. I want that to be MY night.
I was basically shocked at how calmly you accepted my violently shoving a french fry in your mouth.
You threw my heel at her from across the street... And hit her in the back of the head so hard she face planted into the street. I need more friends like you.
This is the first time I'm hearing this information.
You know, you have a good excuse now if you have a poor performance. Just say "what do you expect? I took a paintball to the DICK!!"
A guy just picked up ur brother and carfied him away singing and im slight concern
I walked in to you guys using a milk jug as a gravity bong
Surrounded by smaller versions of the same
So, I'm roughly 90% sure that the guy next to me in the xray waiting room is watching porn on his phone right now
Randomize
