I could have mohawked her pubes.
i wish that i had sketchier friends so that it would be easier to get drugs
If i off myself, it'll be in a lobster costume in the hot tub with butter...
It's like you don't even want to get drunk with me everyday, anymore.
We woke up, fucked, and shared a piece of my sister's first communion cake for breakfast.
And you thought you were going to hell last weekend.
It's sad that your definition of adulthood entails banging your boss after getting hammered at happy hour, and putting the tab on the company credit card.
Woke up this morning with seven juice boxes under my pillow and an empty box of condoms In my pocket. Good night.
We can see it once so I can see the whole movie, then I'll go see it with him so I know when the boring parts are and I can have sex with him during those parts
Is it weird to say that Kobe reminds me of a wise brontosaurus?
Do you remember using the vicegrip to demonstrate how wide your penis is?
My roommate walked in naked grabbed my hand and pulled me into her room to see her randoms dick.
He brought me hungover chipotle knowing full well he wasn't getting a blow job. I think he may be too in love with me.
That's crazy. Wow that lady must be fucked up
Yeah I hope she's okay.
I'm still going to fuck her husband but I do hope she's okay.
Lots of tissues. Maybe pizza. Only time will tell. The stages of political grief.
I guess I called her at 2am, demanding that she bring us food. She told us to order pizza, and I yelled "DON'T MENTION PIZZA!" I recall nothing.
Randomize
