I just had the fat girl at the party come tell me I look sad and offer me a beer. I'm out.
I am intoxicated and cannot bring you a burrito. However, if you want to bring ME one...
We found her hiding in the bath tub.. And when i opened the curtain she replied "thank you" and walked out like nothing happened.
Getting cock-blocked by Jeff Bridges. NOT OKAY.
Please stop leaving drunk voicemails with your new black/Irish accent.
bring the dog... nobody goes to jail with a dog.
Bonding with my year old cousin over the fact that we both shit ourselves. Babysitting like a bosss
WHO JUST REMOVED THAT SAME BOARD IN TWO MINUTES FLAT WITH NO INJURIES, SHOES, SOCKS, OR BRA?! THIS BITCH. CRACKIN A BEER FOR DA SHOWA. BITCHES AIN'T SHIT MOTHAFUCKA
Hay for your next interview you should go in with fake blood on your cloths and tell them you just finished saving a life, then cry
He puked in the middle of it and I still wasn't disappointed.
Twist bend and done? Jesus that sounds like a seventh grade hand job.
Stop chatting and get in the fucking car. I didn't get my asexual ass out of bed just to watch you flirt and fail with someone you're never going to see again.
So you're willing to shred any respect that you had for your body on some random chick who's only looking for sex? That's the worst thing I've ever heard.
I mean, it won't be 100% meaningless, I know her middle name.
I was dressed as Waldo and the cops kept saying looks like we fuckin found you
NOT PREGNANT according to the two dollar tree pregnancy tests I took in the tacobell bathroom. Come meet me at tacobell for celebratory soft tacos.
Randomize
