i'd rather walk the sahara in a snuggie with no water than take a bicycle cab
Turns out I'm like the Wayne Gretzky of hiding cum. Who knew?
the black eye was caused by a 12 year old girl in a vampire costume who punched you in the face after you aggresively screamed "TEAM JACOB!" in her face & howled at the moon...
Just threw up at the bar from the heat. Fun change of pace.
we just got kicked out of the mexican restaurant. i have a full pitcher of margarita's hiding under my coat.
I just kept pointing at random people and telling the bartender to put it on their tab.
Our relationship is representative of a cognitive bias that leads to bad decision making and misplacement of resources. So should we pick up some whiskey tomorrow?
i need to put some appletini on your dick
THERE IS WEED IN MY OVEN. HOW AM I EVER SUPPOSED TO MAKE CHICKEN PARMESAN WITH WEED IN MY OVEN.
Halloween: the only night of the year wheee the more high I get, the more it compliments my makeup and outfit.
at any given day I am at least 60% invested in my work. today I am staggered around 3.5%
She paid me 300 bucks to spank her and call her Baby Jane. Then we drank half a bottle of sippin whiskey. I'd call it a twelve out of ten.
I wrote a pretty good eulogy, too. Motherfucker pastor had no sense of comedic timing.
He started planning our future mid-hookup. You tell me how my night was.
In other news there's 12 shirtless Korean dudes all trying to jump on a tiny little trampoline so that's entertaining
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