last night i told the bartender i only have 3 days left to live so i wouldnt have to pay for drinks
this morning i woke up with a nothing but a pair of what i believe are fairy wings on - and the bartender in my bed
he thinks ill be dead by monday and still came home w me.. WTF?
messed up. what color are the wings?
What are you doing tonight?
Watching dora the explorer and pining for a sex life.
Different chick, same blowjob, same parking lot.
I cant. I'm trying to smell my vagina.
I just hit a new low..poured my beer in an empty coke can so I could drink in walmart.
so what if he's got a new girlfriend. the guy i'm fucking has an english accent. i win.
Apparently it's poor taste to ask for a break up blow job...in McDonald's. Also, that's not the best way to break the news either.
My sister was crawling her way home and kept asking us to carry her,then she insisted on grabbing at our ankles til she passed out, how was your night?
ALSO, I NEED TO BORROW A CAT. ASAP
Well if homeless lesbian experimenting divorcée is your new M.O., you're gonna need to start drinking more anyway so if that's what it takes to talk about it tomorrow afternoon, bottoms up bitch
I stole all of the toasting champagne and did an interpretive dance to "wind beneath my wings". I am literally everything you're not supposed to do at weddings.
But your showmanship is impeccable.
Omphalophobia is a real thing. don't ever fucking touch my belly button again dude
Holy sore nipples Batman
He was licking my ear while recommending that I shop at IKEA. I think he's my perfect guy.
If we're going to communicate going forward, you'll need to be versed in Gillian Anderson.
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