I don't remember him, but he's saved in my phone as "uh oh zbt"
I miss waking up knowing you're passed out under my bed.
He snuck out of bed at 9 am and came back with pizza and a bottle of wine. I think I'm in love!
I've decided to be proactive and make a sex playlist on my phone to avoid any awkward moments in my upcoming slutty summer
Cuz last time you told me I was going to be shocked about something you got a hand job from a stripper in canada
I was just told that i'm a premature cuddler. . . What does that even mean?
Whatever it is you failed
Remember when we had a keg, and then another 5 cases... and like 30 people drank it all?
Everything hurts.
Late night whataburger runs are great, except if you're the one that gets left black out drunk puking in the backyard drinking from the water hose
Right now I'm in a club where they are passing out glow in the dark dildos by the dozen. I don't think my life will ever get weirder than it is at this moment.
He walked up to anal ring toss like he was going to win you a teddy bear
I have weed and a speedo - I don't need anything else.
Totally thought something squeezed my boob. Then I remembered I was wearing a bra. Isn't weed great?
I never thought I'd end up with a prison pen pal through tinder
He just said "I can't wait to penetrate you tomorrow" I sat in silence for a second...he attempted to save it by saying "I can't wait to enter you".
So adding to the list of things my boobs can do, sweeping with a broom is apparently a thing.
Randomize
