ask me if i forgot to go to a midterm today
you can't exactly throw up or pass out at the pentagon so i had to pull my shit together
If i apologize for punching you in the liver repeatedly will you explain where the grass stains on my shoulders came from?
Riding on an electric horse at the grocery store... dunno how that conversation went but I hope you picked up a 12 pack.
You know the party was great when the birthday girl gets arrested
im sorry for trying to flush a roll of toilet paper down with my puke. probably not great for your toilet
Found our threesome girl. She says I'm pretty. She doesn't know I'm pregnant. Yet. Think we can pull it off?
You need to stop me from lighting my hand on fire next time we're working
I couldn't drink enough to fuck the friend, you said challenge accepted and stole some chicks shot.
This was the first time I've ever pushed myself until I vomited. Sorry, random couple laying on a dock at 8:30am. I would have picked a better spot so you didn't have to watch/listen to me vomit, but you guys were being MAD quiet. I had no idea you were there.
I told her I was dressed as a gag reflex judge.....she won, literally hands down.
After we finished, she peed a little on my chest and told me she was "marking her territory". I didn't know if I should have been scared or aroused.
We should have a mid-burrito sex-break, too. Just so we don't get too full all at once
Good point.
New low: uploading my contacts into Facebook in an attempt to get the name of the girl I brought home last night.
Remember when you gave their 80 year old doorman a line of molly at 5am?
Randomize
