Pretty sure somebody just said 'I used to have a nipple'
that's awkward
why the FUCK would i wear makeup on my vagina!?
I asked him where the store BJ's was and he unzipped his pants.
pretty sure that I broke my nose during sexting. Life is grand.
can you put a coffee maker in the dish washer? yo know what, nvm i want to be surprised
hungover subway ride filled with german tourists and a mariachi band. too early. too fuckin early
I know. I told you I'm a mess. She had weird nipples. I almost lost an eye to one.
Rosemary is literally sitting on the ground holding on to the rug because she thinks she is going to fall if she lets go. We smoked way too much.
Not much. Some creepy guy on Grindr thinks he knows who I am and where I live. So I sent him to that place with jockstraps and bacon. Hope he has fun.
After I came she just held my balls until I fell asleep. It was like adult swaddling. Magical...
I have no idea why my husband is mad that I came home at 4 am & all I want to do is eat spaghettios. It's not fucking spaghettios fault.
I mean, it's just pathetic when the standard is tinder and he can't live up to it.
I just want to meet a nice normal guy that doesn't want me to taze him while we have sex. . . . .is that too much to ask for?
I brought an already opened bag of trail mix from home to snack on today. Some motherfucker ate all the m&ms out of it. I hate my roommates
Mom just walked in on a bj. IT'S WHATEVER.
Randomize
