Hey, kurt drew a penis on you and wrote my innotals. I had nothing to do a/ that.
She was so high she ate a little piece of weed off her pants and thought it was food.
oh my god. my mom just found my pipe. she thought it was a dildo.
like i said, there should be a sitcom about your family.
How was dinner with ur grandparents?
I was really blazed and scared they'd catch me, so when they asked about my day I was concentrating really hard on not saying smoking that instead I honestly said "Well, I had sex on your pool table, Nana."
i just woke up naked on my porch, holding the neighbors cat in my arms.
I'm watching Cheaper By The Dozen. I almost forgot that Hilary Duff was a really shitty actor before she was a really shitty singer.
You text me last night that you invented a new food. Cheese-less grilled cheese. Congrats, you made toast.
He just made me apologize because his morning wood is NOT a laughing matter.
bring the dog... nobody goes to jail with a dog.
You definitely in your drunken state were really concerned you would forget to buy milk today
I feel bad for his balls. Ive never seen so much sperm. He had to be dying
March Madness means a buffet of emotionally vulnerable dick at the bars almost every night. So yeah my vagina and I are big fans.
Got myself invited to boss's family dinner party, drank too much, and fucked boss's brother in his parent's house. Just another Wednesday.
So I fucked a guy with his mouth wired shut last night never thought id cross that off my imaginary bucket list
Are you drunk? You left me a voicemail at 5:59 AM of you making dolphin sounds.
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