We named our party play list daddy issues
I have a new drinking limit. I'll stop when I know I'm going to untag the picture that was just taken of me.
all he has to do is look at me on new years and hes getting laid. thats how hot he is
remember to ask your mom about the name of her pet duck so we can name the bowl
I owe you 20 bucks. My blood work did show liver damage.
Thank you for getting us into that car accident. I have had more guys hit on me than ever before because of my broken fingers.
It was fine until he came back to my place, grabbed a beer, HIGH-FIVED me, and left.
I have a rage boner right now. An actual erection brought on by the amount of sheer hatred I have towards nationwide.
after you got high, you started to make guac with your bare hands and said: "there's soda bubbles in my legs"
STAY IN YOUR APARTMENT. DONT GO TO SAFEWAY TO BUY CONDOMS. DONT GO TO THE VAN.
EVERYBODY CALM YOUR SHIT
Hurricane Harvey ruined my dick appt. WTF?!
I'm about 40% drunk. You know, not drunk enough to light the bar on fire, but drunk enough to let the cougar hit on me.
Everytime after he came, he'd laugh uncontrolably for ten mintutes. He was sober..
Im so fucked up I'm drinking baileys and coffee just to stay awake.
It's 6 in the afternoon?
Randomize
