I molested 6 butterflies tonight
they started a semi-successful rumor that toby keith died. who says fraternities don't have goals
I think thats the most anyones ever pregamed for rollerskating
your boyfriend is drunk and yelling to the bar that he loves his cats
Of course it's dangerous. Why else would they hire us after we failed the drug test?
I forgot to tell you the best part. The folded up paper he wrote his number on opened up to be a picture of him when he was younger wearing a Columbia tshirt in front of NASA and in pen said his name and "space consultant."
Just took a shot out of a used mini planter. Might die from the pesticides, but didnt want whoever took all of my shotglasses to think they won.
Is it bad that my only regret is fucking on the bathroom floor and not the sink?
Sorry, I know you're at the airport but a gram of coke is missing so good luck with security!
Did you just tell me you watch cartoon porn because it's more real?
Reasons I shouldn't drink... My twitter drafts keep getting more and more emotional.
His Australian accent during sex made me think I was in an Outback Steakhouse commercial
nyquil+orgasm=very intense and oddly interesting
Typically a man doesn't buy a woman a drink in hopes of her laughing at his penis, but no one said I was normal.
I just puked on the sidewalk. At 11am. Thought you'd like to know.
Just found out I lit my hair on fire last night.
Randomize
