Wish i knew that 10 minutes ago when i told him to dance with my blackberry while i got another drink
everytime she opens her mouth i wish that i was deaf
I don't know what he sees in her. All I see are horrible pancake nipples
she kept her crown on the whole time i was giving her birthday sex
You'd be surprised at the stuff my vagina tells my brain to say
I think that girl got really offended when I made out with baby Jesus.
I went to look at my notes for my take home final and all I had written was 'you're on E. You won't remember a damn thing anyway.'
I have managed to reach the 'after meth poster look' before lunch here...
Oh Julie took your pants off last night, I put your pajama bottoms on, and Rachel took your bra off. It takes a village.
We watched the first ever season of SNL and fucked for so long. He accidentally punched me in the face, but I mean, John Belushi was the background noise of our sex. I can deal with it.
I think my nap took me to another dimension
You got stoned and bought $300 worth of pudding. Again! Why do YOU think she left you?
Seeing my ex post concert Snapchat videos as an Instagram really reinforces that I made the right choice...
I can always count on you to keep my boobs honest
We need a kiddie pool and lots of cornstarch
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