and that's why we call him explosion in my pants. no one remembers his real name.
the last three girls i tried to get with all believed in abstinence... i think gods trying to keep me from being a father
i think girls just don't want to fuck you
Just saw a motorized bathtub. I think this college thing is gonna work out.
i totally just wrapped her wedding gift in tin foil. These are the skills 2 bachelor's degrees have given me.
and he should realize what an amazing ex i am for encouraging my best friend to hook up with him
I woke up and he was starring at me and then said "do you believe in miracles"?
Sorry, not ignoring you.. We broke open the other piñata left from cinco de mayo and it was filled with condoms, mini booze bottles, and those little party horn things you blow into. You'll forgive me when we're fucking for days with all these free condoms.
And now we should drink to that moment where you realize you didn't exactly think things through.
Just seen a chubby version of you. Nearly kidnapped her. Perfect woman
I'm making poor life decisions again. Tune in tomorrow to see how much I hate life.
So that advice that humming stops you from puking? Yeah no, just puked through my nose.
Idk I saw a cheetah print onesie and it reminded me of your Lion King fantasy.
I let a drunk straight girl spank me with a metal paddle at the bar tonight. Remind me to never do that again.
Are you really trying to argue your case that you seduced my cat?
I’m going down on him like an Oompah Loompah on roller skates.
That makes no sense, but good luck
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