How do you jack off and text at the same time?
On my iPhone they have an app for that
I just figured it out. Meghan has the same smile as Sylvester Stallone.
I think i just called up my ex and talked to her for 20 minutes about frogs and how happy i am to be wearing shorts
I get drunk and say inappropriate things... you get drunk and sleep with inappropriate people. it's what we do.
If I was there, I'd make you a vicodin spiked sandwich.
If it makes you feel any better, i gave her boyfriend a blowjob last week.
Kegstand on crutches, you need to get on my level.
Your little brother is asking me for an "expert opinion" on his dick size.
Clearly it doesn't get better with age. Just more sexual
I'm eating ramen over the toilet. Fuck my life
And he came by and picked me up. We cuddled in his car then had sex until... an officer doing his rounds put a spotlight on crazy haired, naked me straddling him.
Like he was inside me when I made eye contact with a police man.
All I know for sure is, I went to bed drunk and I woke up in a relationship..I think I need to reevaluate my drinking skills.
Yeah, so if you ever try to steal it, just know my tongue's been on it in several occasions. All over it.
There was already gay porn open on my laptop with a tiny carrot cake, a bottle of water, and a note saying "I love you, Sober Me."
Drunk me just hits it and quits it.
Turns out dignity is priceless and Plan B costs $41.09
Randomize
