I'm going to kill the bastard that switches my hot hookups from the previous night with ugly chicks
I want him to get the hint. I sent 4 texts that only said "sex."
ummm i just drove by ur house and ur passed out on the porch. please call me when u get this
I'm sorry I put you in the washing machine. I honestly thought you would fit.
I remember nothing of last night, but I did manage to figure out which frats I went to by the trails of straw across campus.
she just stared at nothing and then looked at me and goes, "that's a weird place to put the wall"
It seems that only way I've actually improved myself after 2 years of writing for the school newspaper is that I've mastered the art of descriptive words to improve my sexting skills
Hamster emergency. Can u come in here
I don't know who's more excited for you to come home. Me or my vagina
So...I maybe walked across campus last night with my life size Joe Biden cut out.
I'm officially disproving the fact that a hoe never gets cold bc this hoe is COLD.
coming down from speed on a 5 hour flight home from vegas is not a valid reason for calling off work the next day
so i said i had a yeast infection
I am getting off work an hour early just to watch you drink. Never let it be said that I don't love you.
The Game of Thrones convention was just a drunk fuckfest.
Please tell me you banged Jon Snow.
a day off where I don’t get laid would be worthless
Randomize
