why did u have a candy cane hung on your dick in the first place?
she has a santa fetish
cute.
just tell her a well fed dog doesnt stray far from the porch, and if that doesnt work just keep fucking her sisters
Nicole, you can't keep coming over at 3am wanting to build igloos.
Hahah fuuuck, bag pipers played around me while I threw up. Literally
Maybe. This hangover is made of nightmares and that thing from the Alien movies.
Could have had sex with an ex NFL kicker last night.
That would've been embarrassing.
The cleaning lady has a form she makes me sign every time she finds me passed out in my office so she can keep track of how much to charge me each month for keeping quiet about it.
Seriously bro? Indoor roman candle wars? I guess I'll never see that fucking security deposit again
Monday afternoon and I'm still hungover from Valentine's Day. I think I'm winning at the single life.
The hotel had a helipad. Of course we had sex on it.
i swear every fucking time i plan a party, one of our "friends" holds their shit in all week just to punch one off into the master bathroom after i pass out. it's almost like that dump you would see in a port a potty.
What kind of true American would I be if I didn't just smoke weed in my bathrobe on my back porch in the middle of suburbia on 4/20? #stepmomoftheyear
I have to choose between charging my phone or my vibrator. This is bullshit.
The beauty of his penis is distracting me from the fact that he was born after Princess Diana died
Enjoy your early 30’s! You’re still young enough to catch a twenty something that can fuck 4 times a day, hot enough to date forty year old penises that can last long enough to give you multiple orgasms
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