oh. my. god. the guy i hooked up with last night is currently wearing a dress.
She left me with blue balls so I jerked off on her french toast in the morning.
It's a gateway drink.... Starts with wine... Then I wake up in my car with mascara on my arms covered in french fries...
The waitress just told me I'm asking alot. So far I've asked for a soul, an angel and carbombs
So your brother is gay after all... Just caught him making out with my brother... Apparently he's gay too
Help me. My dealer just asked me to have a child with him. Sat me down for a heart to heart "he's almost 40 and losing his shit cause he's single and wants babies" talk. How the fuck am I supposed to feel about this????
Company sent me first class out of state, got so drunk on the plane I started handing out pillows and blankets to the people in coach
He said he could outsmoke me so I challenged him to a weed duel. I don't always very competitive but when I do...
I'm hungover during 4th grade graduation practice. I AM THEIR FUTURE.
It's going to turn into you and me throwing down in a devastating lip-synch battle while everyone else stands around awkwardly.
Like he was trying to be sexy but he had shit taste in porn so i left
Man, I'm real high and googling what all my favorite figure skaters from childhood are doing now.
I'm not sure if I should pay him or he should pay me, but someone should get paid for the sex I had this morning.
I know its 2 in the morning and everything. But i just straight up yelled "DON'T YOU UNDERSTAND THIS WORLD IS DIFFICULT ENOUGH AS IT IS WITHOUT YOU PULLING THIS BULLSHIT ON ME" to my taco. Because it fell apart on me. I think i might be cracking under this finals pressure.
Sorry i ignored you for so long. I think my vibrator is broken.
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