idk, it's all black and i hear low talking...
dude, i think you're in initiation!
shit. that's not good.
She's 40ish and I couldn't wake her up with a stick of dynamite. My sheets are going to be covered in glitter lotion and smell like grape vodka and shattered dreams tomorrow.
Aren't divorce parties fun?
You and I have very different definitions of fun.
Just saw a squirrel crossing the road in a crosswalk..my morning has improved exponentially.
It was good sex. She was screaming so much I didn't know whether or not my name was Matt or God.
I don't think he understands what an important role his penis plays in my level of self esteem
I'm pretty sure getting a blow job behind a bar in Rome while her little sister is throwing up in a dumpster not 5 feet away, gives entirely new meaning to the phrase "When in Rome"
The sex was so good I went temporarily numb. Slightly embarrassing when she pointed out I was kissing my own arm.
All three of us got laid last night. This is what is commonly referred to as the Trifuckta.
I'm putting my hangover kit in my car for the trip to work tomorrow morning. Dedication
Burnt my boob on a piece of hot waffle at work today..I feel like thats a new low point in my career..
Had a dream I dropped the L word and immediately threatened to kill myself
You probably shouldn't be having nightmares about expressing affection
I think everyone at the office can tell I'm dehydrated
you mean still drunk
I've heard it both ways
It was horribly awesome. Its like looking at the sun, you know its bad for you but I just couldn't stop looking.
This is not okay. I only like one boy. I should like 200 boys and be having wild unprecedented sex. Instead I like one boy whose a born again virgin.
Ok fell asleep on a bus in south Carolina just woke up in Canada where the hell is the liquor store from here?!
Randomize
