i'm out of smokes so i just had an after sex popsicle. this might become an addiction.
my tits taste like a pina colada. how often do you get to say that?
I'm in the laundromat a drunk armenian guy keeps trying to help me fold my laundry. Ah i'm going to miss queens.
I woke up with fried rice in my sweatshirt pocket came downstairs and found all the chicken in the fridge gone. I'm THAT roommate aren't I?
I'm tempted to see how fat I can get before he leaves me. It's obvious we're playing a game of chicken here.
Pretty much knew it was gonna be awful when the extra condoms she had from her ex were entirely too big for my dick
I found the perfect eye liner, it passed the blow job test, no smudging!!
She answered the door wearing a blanket and holding a golf club. I was too late for this party.
WHERE ARE MY FUCKING EYEBROWS?!
Hey wes just called me saying he was asleep outside by the pond at my apt complex
no one could get around him on the stairs cause he surrounded himself with all the empties he could find, he said he was building a fort. then he passed out on them.
She pulled vodka outta the dryer and told me to drink it
yeah I had to wear a fucking diaper from work home so I didn't get the shitty squirts all over my cars seats it was fucked
We watched X-Files, ate pizza, and he played with my butt. It was a pretty standard Monday.
Dear sober self, your keys are on the table in front of you the only way your typing this is with autocorrect goodnight love you
Randomize
