things it involved: vodka, boy parts, possible photos of me on a cell phone. things it did NOT involve last night: my bra, his pants, and sobriety.
Took her home last night and it was like trying to put an oyster in a slot machine. I may have drank a little too much.
why the fuck does my google maps say i'm in punjab?!?!? u think it has to do with like...outsourcing?
...that's why he's not doing anything with his life except breeding geckos
Just read my long term horoscope. I'm not gonna get laid for another 2 years.
I don't think eating half of a pickle out of my mouth counts as getting to know me
I just put fruit snacks in my sangria instead of real fruit. Its like freshman year all over again..
We couldn't afford sangria freshman year. We're lucky we had fruit snacks..
I just got nudes while talking in the third person. Not sure if I Should be proud or ashamed.
There's nothing quite like having a little 8 year old boy hand me a Bible on campus while I'm on my way to the health center because of my recent slutty tendencies.
You passed out in your dogs bed and you only willingly woke up because I told there was a bottle of vodka and a snickers bar waiting for you upstairs
Like you haven't hit rock bottom until you have had to throw your own turd out a window
You tried to lick the lightbulb and fell off of the chair onto my wife and gave her a concussion. Did i mention you were naked?
So what happened at girls night? My roomate found me passed out locked out on the front steps of the house and it was raining. Yes low moment
So I wake up to my ex girlfriends underwear hanging from the ceiling fan and the only thing i can think of is "what time is the game"
In the past year, I've fucked 3 Dave's and you've fucked 2 Dave's. That's a lot of Dave's in our vaginas.
We need to start a soap opera called the Dave's of Our Lives.
Randomize