i should go to a nude beach and wear just a condom, then ill have tan lines on my dick
he proceeded to punch 3 mailboxes in a row and when i asked him why, he said "because they were talking shit"... i need a new boyfriend. and a new life.
if every girl in minneapolis isn't pregnant when i get back to the cities i will cry
hey as creepy as this sounds i still have your eyelashes on my desk
Jeff just maced a waitress...it's way too early for this.
You know why nobody comes up with Sober October? Other than it's Oktoberfest? Because Sober October doesn't benefit anyone, just like your judgment isn't benefiting me. I'll talk to you in November. Unless you make up another alcoholless month.
she is legit wearing a plastic bag around her neck as a necklace. she says it serves two purposes.
Stories of my weekends have cause divorces, are you sure you wanna hang out?
I really hope you didn't eat the bowl of melted vanilla ice cream I left on the coffee table. Because it is not melted vanilla ice cream.
You got this. You survived the RA last semester (granted you almost got arrested but still.)
I take it you're alive?
Mostly. Can't quite control my arms.
Apparently I handcuffed myself to the dishwasher...
Hi I am on my way. I stopped and got the cheeseburger you asked for. Are you gonna pay me back?
Who is this?
I am now gainfully employed. Parents, lock up your children.
Yay! Welcome to the world of "you're seriously trusting me with your kid?"
It’s a 10 inch dick! Of course I’m getting a Brazilian
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