is it really weird I just got "suckable tits" in my honesty box and I'm flattered??
My number went up to seventeen today. I forgot to add my random hookup on a sailboat.
Dude, I just spun my iPhone on my boner without it falling off. I belong in cirque du soleil.
Definitely saw about 20 people at my final that were never present before. It's like seeing who's gonna be serving me fries in 4 years.
Have you resumed life with the rest of the world yet or are you still huddled in the fetal position while wearing compression gear?
my hip hurts so fuckin bad. and I just found a half eaten burrito in my nightstand drawer.
Yea dude. I'm gonna be the life of the party. THIS BITCH GETS DRUNK BY HERSELF
Even when you're down just know that I will always be the one to pour alcohol into your asshole when you're on probation
I just sent him 3 long ass texts about how to tell a girl how he feels. I should get a fucking friend zone medal.
I will make you one.
Good. It needs "forever alone" engraved on it
Sometimes you've gotta crawl to stay concious
I told people at my moms bar that all I needed to sober up was to get my asshole licked, and I blame you 110%.
I didn't have cash to pay cover at the bar, so I traded the bouncer a Krispy Kreme doughnut i had in my purse
Im part way to drunk.
They're giving you narcotics aren't they?
If I offered to share would you come visit me?
I want you to know. From the bottom of my heart, that you are a great friend, a beautiful person, and one of my favorite people in this world. But if you ever send me that many messages again at 4am I swear to God, I will push you in from of a fast running rhino
Randomize
