Just saw a guy wearing pink jeans and i bet he's straight. Fuck 2009.
Beer is about to convince me to do something really stupid.
i just identified you from a description of your pipe
I hated hipsters before it was mainstream.
She is going down in cock block history. He went in to kiss me and she threw her hand between our faces and yelled "DENIED!"
im taking a nap outside. wake me up in an hour.
way to go to work and not wake me up. when you get home youre rubbing me with aloe and giving me a blowjob. no excuses
How would one go about tricking someone into chugging an entire bottle of tequila?
Its like a zucchini between his legs. An orgasmic zucchini.
come help me. im curled up in the fetal position on the upper floor of the lib. please bring more caffeine or alcohol
its ok. its hell week the lib is a no judgment zone right now
Just for the record its a bit awkward when you introduced me to your friends at your house as your brother and then insisted in front of them that I sleep in your bed with you
I'm getting shit face wasted, and I have to be up so early tomorrow. I am bad at smart.
About to be a 4Loko vomit fountain in 45 seconds, what color will it be? Animated birds will fly out of me.
Know what the best part of waking up for work after a drinking vacation is? It's an easy question. Nothing. Nothing is the best part of that.
We need to step in, this can't continue. The guy she went home with last night looked exactly like Count Olaf, right down to the unibrow.
Which version tho, Jim Carrey or Neil Patrick Harris?
THAT DOESN'T FUCKING MATTER, YOU DON'T FUCK COUNT OLAF!!!
it's like my eyeball is being humped by my eyelid
Randomize
