Just saw a policeman use his lights to go through a red light only to turn them off and go to Sonic...
You all can go fuck yourselves. As far as I'm concerned, don't come back to karaoke.
My family just suggested tequila shots. I had Vietnam style flashbacks.
imagine playing with puppies while we're drunk.
Like... we could film it and put like, "do you believe in magic" as the backround song and it would be complete joy.
I just hit a new low..poured my beer in an empty coke can so I could drink in walmart.
when i tried to put the condom on he started screaming about how he didn't want his groceries bagged
If I have to give a UPS guy a lap dance, you owe me a drink.
I'm an approx 70% certain someone switched my UV Blue for Windex - just as volatile as you might think.
You kept trying to make people drink "salsa-ritas." But all you did was dump tequila in a half full jar of salsa, and shove it in people's faces while shouting at them.
actually there are like 49038098 people in the bathroom for no reason. Singing My Heart Will Go On and pseudo fighting.
I went from looking for a bong to home decor in a 10 minute span. This is what being an adult is all about!
He's attempting to seduce me with thanksgiving-themed sexual metaphors... It's working.
P.s. I wore your shirt today and it has your blood all over it, but I am at a funeral home and they are using embalming fluid to get your blood stains out right now.
There's no triumph quite like finally banging your high school boyfriend 6 years later
I'm a delicate orchid of a man.
Blossoming into a fierce dragon.
Randomize
