Im watching someone hooking up in the library
procrastination at its finest
You told him you were auditioning guys for your new show: "So You Think You Can Fuck."
Best pick-up line ever!
there is a baby dancing on the table amidst the smoke of multiple cigarettes. i want to trade lives with that baby.
he said no sex till date three. i said the party was one, mcdonalds two and that i would take him with me to buy cigs for date three.
It was smashing those cupcakes into my face that did it. Junk food and I don't mix.
I'm posted up in the bathroom at au bon pain, high as balls, experimenting with eyeshadow combinations and listening to 90s jlo. The girl in the stall next to me just plopped a big one and I laughed, hope I ruined her day
drunk her ninja stole one of the pizzas as it arrived and hid all of the pieces in a cereal box in the fridge.Genius.
Why is my car covered in what appears to be salsa verde?
Hey, it's all about finding the bright side. And boobs are definitely a bright side.
I like to oil my gears with cheap vodka and strangers
LIKE ALL I WANT TO CURE MY HANGOVER IS PORKROLL AND LIKE 85% OF THIS COUNTRY DOESN'T KNOW WHAT IT IS
I woke up at 4am because the neighbors cat managed to sneak into my bed. HOW THE FUCK DOES THIS STUFF HAPPEN TO
I just drunkenly accidentally had sex with my boss
Did you at least ask for a raise?
No but I am now the owner of one of either his or his roomate's teeshirts... Maybe I can use it to negotiate?
Just did coke off my highschool yearbook. Not much has changed in 5 years.
It's not christmas until we're acting sober in front of grandma
Randomize
