apparently i ate an entire bag of goldfish, kissed some guy with a girlfriend who now wants to kill me, made my sister sleep in my bed with me while i wore no pants, and told my whole family i am pregnant with jonny's devil baby...never drinking again
How do I say "sorry I gave you and your sister herpes" in German?
You deserve yourself a blunt and a build a bear.
i was drunk enough to give the cab driver my number when he said "you talk like you like guys"
I'm currently braless eating the balls of the penis cake and drinking warm champagne. I'm 3 cats away from crazy at this point
I am significantly less than sober now. Gonna make like, ten hotdogs.
An we can hold bottles of vodka in our hands singing yo ho a pirates life for me
I have a breathe right strip stuck to my forehead, several inexplicable bruises and I think someone tried to paint my nails with glue, but I still have my Santa hat. I'm gonna call this one a success.
If u ever apologize to me for "too-rough" sex again I will suspend ur all-access pass to my vagina indefinitely
He tried to break dance on the island in the kitchen and ended up knocking over everyone's alcohol onto the floor then yelled "GUCCI" before vomiting
He just jumped up off the couch, screamed "ITS OVER NINE THOUSAND!" And then attempted to fly out the window like a bird. I don't know nor do I care to know what just happened
I just threw up a strange neon green substance. Did I eat a glow stick last night?
I think it may be easier if I stay drunk/high til the wedding. You game?
so idk what that means but now because of me he has a police file as breaking into my apartment and sleeping in my hallway under the carpet
He had me sit on his face until I begged him to stop, then held me there 5 minutes longer. I rested my head on his chest, told him I needed time to recover....and slept for 6 hours. By the time I woke, he was already at work. I just sent him a countdown times until his shift is over.
Randomize