i have nine cents in my fucking bank account... not even a dime
Just found out my drug dealer is also a porn star. It's a good day.
I am drinking ovaltine with peppermint schnapps. My childhood could have been so much better.
Last night at the bar my fuck buddies found out about each other.
Wtf? What happened?
Not quite sure but they rock, paper, scissored to see who was taking me home.
dont worry, it'll just be a conversation starter like "why did you get that pierced?" or "wow, i got arrested there too"
he didn't want to fuck because he was too busy skateboarding. what are we 12? I'm too old for this shit.
your philanthropy is ruining my sex life.
I don't think we should have started that trash fire
im hiding in a corner. drunk. with a plate of stolen jello shots. im pretty sure people are looking for me or the jello shots.
I feel like passing out with my foot on your face has bonded us at a very fundamental level.
You finished the fifth and then hid two dozen eggs around your apartment and declare that you would "quest for Jesus". Have fun questing today.
You're just gonna have to make the sacrifice man.
I'm trying to hide in the table.
Safe to say we should stock up on nipple bandaids ladies
And he kept lifting up his shirt every few minutes to check if his nipples were still there
It feels weird going to sleep without hugging the toilet goodnight
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