I'm sorry for everything. i woke up with two citations stapled to my shirt.
I threw up so much beer last night that my puke had a nice head on it.
Yah, I definitely wouldn't wanna be fingered with a fake arm...
Mental note: adding peach schnapps to a gin and tonic does not "water it down."
I really like you, but I want to get to know you on a time when I am not at drugs.
Like many of my risky ideas this has "burned genitals" written all over it
We tried to make a sex tape, but we were hammered and she forgot to take the cap off the camera. Somebody starts snoring 10 minutes in.
I've never seen a grown man cry so much after getting jerked off by a stripper. I say it's the best $600 he ever spent.
My phone saved "first signs of pregnancy" as a most visited search.
So it sounded like a midget was barfing IN our walls again this morning ...
I built a fence. For the bunnies we're going to adopt. I'll fill you in when you get home.
Is it totally terrible that I just signed up for classes and already found the guy I'm going to bang??
I think I got into an argument with my cat's former owner about what a BDSM relationship entails.
You ran up to my room. I was naked. You refused to leave without drugs. I love you.
the voting booth dude cock blocked me or she woulda totally blown me in the voting booth.
Randomize