Can we switch to phone sex? This is starting to get awkward...
Apparently I masturbate in my sleep now.
Im partying with a unicorn. You don't even know.
The solution to mudbutt is never ever Clorox wipes. It stings soooooooo bad.
Contrary to what peaches says, you can't fuck the pain away. Full story later. Have a good morning, buddy.
Selling drugs in raindeer antlers is the best way to spread christmas cheer
This is now the friendly bartender typing for him. He wants to be on you. He is going to "destroy your vagina". Good luck and sorry if this woke you up!
I broke up with him in the bar & then asked him if he wanted to have a contest to see who gets the most numbers. I say I took that break up well
It was like getting a handjob from a frost giant
World Cup Drinking Game: Take a shot every time they call a foul for something we don't understand. Gotta risk it to get the biscuit.
I'm pretty sure that the bartender arranged a marriage for me last night. Sounds like a legit birthday present to me.
You came in, yelled 'i am from the future' then puked all over the floor
Sometimes I just take my boobs out of my shirt so they can get some fresh air
Is it weird that my mother is taking body shots off my gf after meeting once?
I just recommended that the library purchase the first major hentai with tentacle porn. Really, I'm doing everyone a favor.
Randomize