it's a well known fact that sluts are attracted to bright colors
american apparel?
try lime green
It's just a condom. Most people would commend me for saying I was going to start using them, and you're acting like I'm going to try heroin.
You disinfected one of his friends, buttered the jeans of the other one. And you poured every liquid you could reach on the floor, including cooking oil and green tea. It wasnt a great first impression
I don't think I'm emotionally ready for this blow job.
I'm not sure that our 12-years-ago-high-school-"relationship," and 179 texts in the last 4 hours is gonna be enough to squeeze a naked smartphone picture of me. I'm gonna need some chicken wings or Makers Mark before that starts happening.
I had very briefly met him a few years ago. My friend was tired of hearing us both complain about being horny. She figured she would fuck two birds with one stone.
I know he'd never cheat on me. It'd be like choosing Mexican tap water over Patron.
WHEN THE FUCK DID MCDONALD'S DECIDE TO QUIT SERVING BURGERS AT 1:00AM?
I would peed on everything
You forgot the part where I played Slip and Slide with my own puke and fucked up my knee.
Things I Learned Tonight: I have no future in goat wrangling. Herding. Whatever you call the ridiculosity that just transpired.
Hey, so I'm not coming into work til Friday. Some guy I've known for about 8 hours just offered me a free vacation to Maui and bought my plane ticket. He's Aussie so I'm 75% sure he won't murder me
I think I left my thong in your bed. Careful. It has the power to destroy the agitator on a washing machine
You were yelling at a tree saying it should be in the forest..
Don't judge me.
He told me their parents think of me as the "drunk friend"...oddly enough, I'm ok with that
All I remember was my mom walking through the door, and then me asking her if she wanted a hit.
Randomize
