you kept eating the heads off the gummy bears and screaming 'euthanized!'
My dinner was lean cuisine and tequila. Aaaaaand I need a boyfriend.
If I started a story with "That three-year-old totally deserved it," would you listen?
just put an icicle in the bong. best/worst idea ever. i think i can taste global warming right now.
You stumbled in the house, mumbled something about a cheese party, grabbed a block of cheese and the whiskey, and left.
If you can get laid in a rudolph onesie you are doing something right my friend.
my mom went out and bought me new sheets and redecorated my room. its like she's more excited for me to get laid tomorrow for the first time in two months than I am.
I just put bacon on a thin mint and enjoyed the shit out of it. I better not be fucking pregnant.
Okay do all 29 year olds have erectile dysfunction or just the two I've slept with?
If i still have my costume on when i get home from the bar i am gonna be pissed
A kid in my class today just asked if we have class on the 17th, then announced that he couldn't go anyways because it was the day after his 21 and he was going to be too hungover
have you ever seen all dogs go to heaven this is important
Finally liberated my Star Trek DVD from my booty call's house. Captain Kirk would be so proud.
We were making out on the floor and his 13 year old beagle crawled in between us & just sat there...I got cockblocked by an ancient beagle named Bubba
Tonight’s your last chance for a danger free blowjob.
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