Being pregnant is so damn inconvenient for my sex life.
he just watched a baby story on tlc while high and just called me screaming he never wants me to get pregnant
then he said we can't have sex anymore because ill hate him.
Can you believe The 5th Element didn't get best fight scene in 1997?! I'm still bitter. 12 years later.
Haha how do you remember that?
HOW COULD I FORGET?!
It totally doesn't make me a groupie if I hooked up with him before he was in the Olympics
I just had to dig under a pile of condoms in my desk drawer to get to a blue book. Summer is officially over.
It's like a double rainbow in both sides of the sky mixed with The Jeffersons.
That edible kicked in right as I was upside-down on that rollercoaster. Fucking.mind.blown.
I'm pretty sure male strippers are the last things I need in my life right now.
I did way too many drugs this past week for having a broken nose #commitment
CURSE YOU AND YOUR SEXY LOGIC
I just woke up drenched in beer, in a puddle of beer, and cuddling a bottle of tequila
Funny story... I got into my car and my porn started playing over my Bluetooth.
DO NOT TRY TO APPROACH HER CAT. IT IS A DEMON CAT FROM SATAN'S BALLS AND IT *WILL* TRY TO KILL YOU. I SPEAK FROM EXPIRENCE.
WHEN THE HELL DOES ANYTHING IN OUR LIVES *EVER* GO AS PLANNED???
Hey do you care to explain why there are 3 empty pickle jars next to me when I woke up or do I even wanna know?
Randomize
