Not good, Ive never been this late. We need to talk.
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he sent me a naked picture of himself. things got awkward really quickly. but on a positive note he shaved his chest
I would give up sex for lent, but I think Jesus would understand that I went too long without it to go back now.
today is my dealer's birthday. i dont know whether to give him the day off or call him saying happy birthday ill take a quarter please
How do you say "I always respond to booty calls" when you give a guy your number?
I sang Jenna happy bday in the middle of throw up hurls
We left live chickens on the basement slip n slide. Good luck finding your car keys
The only thing that made me get out of bed this morning was knowing that tonight, I don't plan on remembering what happened today
I hope your perfect outfit is a slutty power rangers outfit. That's been my dream wedding since I was a kid.
Thanks for the hickies, asshole. I make my living as a fitness instructor. It's gonna look reeeeeeal weird if I have to wear a scarf while teaching Zumba all week.
Hey! Welcome back! How was the bachelorette in Vegas?
A safari of penis I hurt to the core
she had a dildo shaped like a dolphin. she will forever be known as Flipper
Do you think they manscape in the zombie apocalypse?
I have never been that aroused while laughing my ass off in my life
I will warn you that there is a pic of me riding a buffalo....and for the record, I was completely sober!!
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