Dude I just witnessed a midget touching himself and singing the chorus to somebodys watching me by michael jackson... it kinda turned me on
Spotted: Pepto Bismol pink Scion with Ed Hardy sticker on front window, air freshener, and seat covers. Total Douchette Mobile.
I googled Canada's legal age of consent. I have good news. It's 14. Justin Bieber here I come...
He shouted my World of Warcraft name while we were having sex, and he was sober.
Ryan just walked out of his frat house with a case of beer, a 6 dollar bottle of vodka, and a pillow. He's good to go.
I have an asthmatic alcoholic for a roommate. That can't be safe.
I just woke up to find the whole kitchen sick had been converted into a gravity bong.
We're gonna go drive around campus and throw water balloons at all the drunk bitches wobbling around, wanna come?
This may be hard to believe, but that wasn't the first time I was fingered under a snuggie
It's not
I hooked up with some guy to get over my ex last night. I was terrified until we started doing naked pushups.
I woke up with a russian doll attached to my necklace and a post-it note with "keep babushka safe" written on it. Fuck vodka
Meanwhile I'm working a fucking flute workshop and I'm one high c away from shoving a flute up the asshole of the next passerby
Awkward, walking to my bootycall's hotel room and run into my dad leaving his. Just nodded to each other and went on our ways
It was a "have 911 on speed dial" kinda night
he was just sitting there in his underwear... and his chewbacca mask...
Randomize
