I faked an abortion last night.
i have it on good authority that she is not as good at giving head as she claims she is
two more shots til everyone in this club gets to see my cesarean scars.
Killed two birds with one stone: found my wallet and unclogged the toilet.
My favorite part about you getting arrested is having to explain the prosthetic leg in the front seat.
Hahahaha you would not believe what I just pulled out of my vagina. Actually you probably wouldn't be surprised.
The swelling on my elbow and tongue means I may have cockblocked myself.
That's because "bed time" is my sex playlist. If you're trying to fall asleep use "nap time"
I made a list on my phone of places I want to fuck, it's right under my list of groceries I'm getting a little too used to regular sex but dude monogamy is the shit
It was his birthday and he drunkenly offered me Portillo's and diamonds in exchange for a snap chat of my boobs. Even sober it seemed like a good idea at 3 in the morning.
When you left the bar, you did two cartwheels and a heel click and RAN ALL THE WAY HOME.
Ever the responsible adult, I just realized that today is the Obamacare deadline, but I'm too high to handle insurance now.
I asked my boyfriend if he wanted a bong for his birthday but he instead asked for corndogs
the cheaper the better
I look at it as community service. He was going through a rough time and I gave him an ego boost. That's how we're going to remember it. I was doing a good deed lol
Intoxication Level: I'm as graceful and flawless as a fucking dinosaur.
Randomize
