you know whats awesome about this morning. A suprise visit from my dad at 7:30 am. There was a pair of heels on the lawn and a girl sleeping in just her underwear on the floor of my living room. He either thinks im a champion or a total fuck up. I'm thinking fuck up but im hoping champion.
Apparently he doesn't remember leaving the bar
If I spent $100 at the bar and didn't get laid I wouldn't want to remember anything either
its not facebook stalking, its market reasearch
Thank you for holding my vodka while the police let me ride their horse.
The lawn was on fire, but I fixed it.
She told me she was selfish for not giving me a blowjob... I couldn't agree more.
It would be like bopping for an apple with my penis but never winning an actual prize. The only thing I would get from it would be the joy from taking part but then regretting it forever more
There's an official council for his ex boyfriends. They told me they 'look forward to the day I join them'.
We were eating hotdog buns dipped in French onion dip in lawn chairs at 4am. That drunk
If I end up in a healthy relationship because of this, I will NEVER forgive you!!!
well i don't NEED my liver but it's nice to have one when you're trying to have a good time
I'm currently giving my drug dealer relationship advice. He's a nice guy and all but I'm really just hoping I get some free weed
I just shotgunned a beer and my lipstic didnt BUDGE. MERICUHH
WHY IS THE HAIRSPRAY SOUNDTRACK PLAYING IN THE LIQUOR STORE
plus like he's kinda a piece of shit. a beautiful somewhat talented piece of shit that hella needs to get his life together
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